The Ice Age Cometh

When I was in the 2nd grade, I remember learning in science class about the Ice Age. That thousands of years ago, the world was very cold and there was these HUGE glaciers that came deep into North America. I so clearly remember my teacher, Ms. Handley, telling us that another Ice Age could happen again. This was one of my fears when I was a child. That during my lifetime, I would have to live in an Ice Age. Do you have any idea how much this would affect my life? You never know when those pesky ice glaciers would attack!! When I was older, I realized that an Ice Age COULD happen, but it would take thousands of years for this to happen. Glaciers move slower than I do going to a gym. Fears, schmears.

Well, my fears came true two weeks ago. The ice age had finally cometh.

Just days before Christmas, I had 12” of snow at my door. TWELVE INCHES!! If you aren’t from the south, let me explain one brief fact to you: we don’t get snow. If we get half an inch of snow, schools close. Heck, schools have closed just for the mere threat of snow. So imagine what our lives were like here since we had twelve inches of that stuff.

When we did have snow, my experience growing up in East Tennessee taught me two things:

1. You need the snow storm survival food group: milk, bread and eggs.
2. Darwin’s theory of survival of the fittest is actually fact.

In East Tennessee everyone runs to the grocery stores to stock up on the snow storm survival food group. I recall the first time it snowed just months after the hubs and I just got married. I immediately rushed out of the office and headed to Kroger’s for Rule #1: “the snow storm survival food group.” As I stood in the long line, I realized that back home we had plenty of the “the snow storm survival food group.” Why was I getting stuff we already had? It wasn’t going to snow that much. Dare I leave the store without milk, bread and eggs? Everyone else in Knoxville was getting their “snow storm survival food group” so something MUST be wrong with me that I didn’t need any. My thoughts were the only parts of me that were rebellious. I clutched onto my “snow storm survival food group” but also applied Rule #2: survival of the fittest. I rushed ahead of others to the video counter that had just opened and had the clerk there scan my milk, bread and eggs. Ha, ha, suckers!! Sorry grandma!

So as the snow fell last week, the hubs and I take off for the grocery store.
The hubs sees the last snow shovel in the store window. You would think we were on Supermarket Sweep. Quickly, he grabbed it and held the prized snow shovel close to his chest. Later, a mother with her child in a stroller made a derogatory remark about us and our snow shovel. Say what you will lady, but we still have a snow shovel and you don‘t. I don’t care how many kids ya got. You and your kids keep away from our snow shovel! No glacier is going to eat my house!

As we maneuvered our way into the store (snow shovel in hand), the hubs motions that we go to produce first. Produce? Yeeeeesssss. Produce would be a good move. We could be in the house so long that there could be a threat that we might develop scurvy. However, the dairy section implores us! “To dairy” I say. So with snow shovel in hand, we fight our way into dairy section. We reach the milk. The hubs venture in and surfaces with 1 gallon of milk. He sees me shaking my head. He goes back in. He soon surfaces yet again with two gallons of milk. He puts them in the cart, but alas, he can tell that two gallons isn’t enough. Three, I tell you!! Three gallons of milk!! We don’t know how long this storm is going to last. Its man versus nature.

Fighting off the natives to protect our snow shovel and milk and we successfully grabbed the eggs and the bread. We still have time for more supplies. So we gathered cookie dough, ingredients for chili, chips, some frozen pizzas and a several day of supply of Cheerwine. I think we will survive this Ice Age.

Later on that night, a neighbor, we will call Mr. Crazy Neighbor, was trying to leave and got his car stuck in front of our house. Mr. Crazy Neighbor came very close to hitting our car. The hubs grabs the snow shove and digs the guy out. But the snow was too much for Mr. Crazy Neighbor, and he parks his car on the side of the road and hangs his head in shame and walks back home.

The next morning, Mr. Crazy Neighbor, knocks on our door and ask to borrow the snow shovel to try to get his car out one more time. Feeling safe from glaciers, a moment of weakness came over me and I let him borrow our snow shovel. He said that he would return it as soon as he got his car out. Three hours later, his car is long gone and so is our snow shovel. I was no longer the fittest. Survival was not looking good. The glacier was coming after me.

Later, the hubs gets up and needs to shovel his way out so he can get to work. He comes to me looking for the snow shovel. Frustrated by my weakness, I explained what happened. We put on our snow clothes and plow our way through the foot of snow, and walk to Mr. Crazy Neighbors house. I was told to remain at the end of the driveway so that I don’t scare off Mr. Crazy Neighbor with my eyebrows of doom. Mrs. Crazy Neighbor answers the door and quickly realizes why we are there. She informs us that Mr. Crazy Neighbor was just a few minutes away, helping get a friend out of the snow, WITH OUR SNOW SHOVEL. This was not part of our contract! The contract was for car only. Not car and friend. She graciously offered us her garden shovel until Mr. Crazy Neighbor returns. With my eyebrows of doom, I shake my head “NO” from the end of her driveway. The hubs gently tells Mrs. Crazy Neighbor that he needs to get to work and needs the snow shovel as soon as possible.

So you ask, am I still scared of living in a Ice Age? Yea, I still have my fear, particularly with global warming. It MIGHT happen. Don’t even get me started on the Little Ice Age that ended in the 1850s. But even if a glacier does appear at my door, I have milk, bread and eggs in my kitchen. Oh, and our snow shovel? It is now back home and has a nice warm spot near our front door….inside! With the threat of glaciers everywhere, you can never be too careful.