Laura vs The Spanx

“I tricked my body into thinking its thinner. SPANXS!” - Miranda Hobbes

Last year, I got together with some high school friends for an impromptu mini-reunion. I hadn’t seen several of the people who where planning on coming in almost twenty years. And, like we all do when faced with seeing people from the past, I wanted to look my best.

Laura’s Check List for Quick Make-Over

Hair Cut? Check.

Hair colored, grey gone? Check.

Eyebrows trimmed? Check.

Wrinkles not visible? Check.

New Outfit? Check.

Proper support?

Proper support?

Proper support?

Like many of you, my shape has changed over the years. The way my body used to look or the way I THOUGHT it looked has ceased to exist. I bypassed that exit three states ago. However, with better living through chemistry, I am told, that I can adjust my body to make it look better. It was time to explore the world of Spanx.

Now, I wasn’t looking for a miracle here, just something to smooth the lines out. So off I went to get spanxed.

I start pursuing the Spanx section and even the knock off Spanx section. Nothing. Didn’t find anything that would work. I looked and I looked, but nothing looked like a solution. And then I noticed a pattern. All the Spanx were for small, petite women. This didn’t make sense to me. I was under the assumption that America is suffering from an obesity problem, so logically there should be equal number of Spanx per overweight woman. Right? WRONG!!

So then I thought to myself: “Laura, maybe you have the right size. Go try. You won’t know until you try. Stacy and Clinton from What Not to Wear are always saying that you need to try. Go try!” So I grabbed the largest size I could find and headed to the changing room.

So there I was, me and the Spanx. I looked at the Spanx, looked at myself in the mirror, back to the Spanx. I thought to myself “Not even Moses could pull off a miracle this big!” But then, there were Stacy and Clinton circling my head saying “Try it on!”

Now, let me be frank with you about me and trying on clothes. I don’t like to make noises when trying on clothes. It makes me feel like I’m losing. I don’t want the chick in the changing room next to me to know that I’m having problems. It’s like I’m losing the game, and she wins. So I have a “No Noise” policy that I follow when trying on clothes. This also applies to my mother standing outside the changing room wanting to know “How’s it going in there?” If it was going good, then I would come out. If it’s going bad, then I don’t come out. It’s that simple.

Now let me describe the scene for you. My plan was to try on a two-piece Spanx set: camisole and mid-thigh shaper. I decided try the camisole first. It looked like the safer of the two.

Here we go. Camisole with spaghetti straps. Piece of cake.

Here we go……..

Camisole with spaghetti straps………

Piece of cake.

Cami…..……….ssole………………(pant)…………withhhhh……..(pant, pant)………ssssspppaaaa….. (pant, pant, pant) ...........gggghhhheeeeetttttt…….tttttttiiiiiiiiiii……..(pant, pant, pant, pant)............str.......aaaaaaa............ppppppsssssss (pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant)......Ta ..(pant).. da!! (breathing very heavily now) Not so bad (gagging). This..... might ......work! (pant, pant, pant)

Oh crap. I only had one strap on. So I had to start again.

Cami ........ssole ......(pant).......withhhhh ........(pant, pant)......sssspppaaapa........pant,pant,pant) ...........gggghhhheeeeetttttt…….tttttttiiiiiiiiiii……..(pant, pant, pant, pant) ………………str…..aaaaaaa….pppppppsssssss (pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant, pant).

So I finally get the camisole with spaghetti straps on and realize that the bottom of the camisole is slowly starting to roll up. Have you ever seen the cartoon when Elmer Fudd’s shirt comes undone and hits him in the face? Yeah, it was like that.

And if that wasn’t punishment enough, I decided continue on and try on the mid-thigh shaper! I won’t continue with the torture, but let’s just say that the camisole with spaghetti straps WAS a piece of cake compared to this torture devise!

So there I was, all spanxed out looking like someone had taken the world’s smallest balloon and stretched it over a good sized watermelon and shaped it into banana. But my brain still refused to listen to reason (I think this was because the blood circulation was cut off to my brain) because I started thinking that I could pull this off. “No lines! Looks like you lost 10 pounds! Lookin’ goooooood, Laura!”

Then, from the very, very, very back of my brain (which incidentally was the only part of me that hadn’t been squeezed into torturous shape wear) something said “Hey stupid! How are you going to sit down? How are you going to breath? How are you going to go to the bathroom?” It was then that I started to think “You know when you fill a trash bag with too much stuff, it breaks and trash goes every where.” I could totally see it, me at the reunion trying to be cool and then SNAP!!! My Spanx have taken out half my high school class. I didn’t want to be responsible for the safety of others, so I decided that the Spanx must go.

And to make matters worse, I violated my “No Noise” policy, because as I looked at myself in the mirror and let out the biggest laugh that I could muster while being bound and gagged. But I don’t think anyone heard me because I had squeezed the air out of my lungs!

But this brings up a good point: obesity and proper support in America. Yes, we have an obesity problem and it’s not going away as quickly as we would like for it to. So, in the meantime, shouldn’t America look its best until we get there? Shouldn’t we support our country? I say we start supporting the good ole US of A by providing more shape wear for every citizen of every size! I think I’ll call this program “No Tummy Roll Left Behind.”