Cover Your Assets

We had some excitement in Asheville yesterday, a tornado threat. Its happened once before since I’ve been here, but its very rare. We are so well protected due to the mountains, that it takes a mighty powerful storm to cause even the threat of a tornado.

Well, yesterday morning, I’m in a meeting, just watching the rain blow sideways and the trees whip in the wind. Am I thinking about getting to safety? Am I thinking about what could potentially happen if a tornado occurs? Nope. I’m thinking about tornado drills in elementary school, my rear and Troy Collins.

Remember tornado drills? We would line up down the hallways, on our knees, covering our heads. I recall it being a really serious thing and you had to be quiet. Why was that? If I tornado comes through, its going to be loud so why should I be quiet? Looking back, I wonder if the teachers met in the teacher’s lounge and decided that the students were being bad, so it became “Tornado Drill Day!!!” Oh, how I loathed tornado drill day. Why couldn’t it be Fire Drill Day? Who cares that its 15 degrees outside?! I would rather go outside than have a tornado drill.

Well, my most dreaded day came when I was in 2nd grade. We bowed on our knees to the tornado gods and lined up down the hall. But for some reason that day, another row went right behind us, and I literally mean BEHIND us. And there he was, right behind me, Troy Collins. What made it so bad that day, was that I had a dress on. And again, there was Troy Collins, right behind me. The last thing I remembered was Troy saying to me “Hey Laura, nice Strawberry Shortcake underwear!!” Its all a blur after that.

And its for that reason that I don’t wear dresses. And it wasn’t just that day. Nooooooo, dear reader. Let me take you back to 4th grade. I must have felt adventurous that day because I had on, yet again, another skirt. But this time I was a “big girl” and no mere child. Because on this day, I had on panty hose.

I was strolling from the bathroom headed toward my classroom when I hear Troy Collins (again) and other boys in the hall laughing and pointing at me. I had no idea what they were laughing at. It soon became “transparent” what they were laughing at. The back of my skirt had gotten stuck inside of my hose. And there again was my rear before God, Troy Collins and everyone. One would say that I became the “butt” of the joke that day. I don’t remember anything else after that.

So because of my rear trauma, that is the reason why you’ll rarely see me in a dress or a skirt. And if I see Troy Collins is nearby, you better believe I’m checking my assets!!

** Thanks to the good people at the Wisconsin Historical Society of the 1983 Strawberry Shortcake underwear image.