Inner Beauty thy name be Truth

This past summer, one thought has continued to swirl around in my head. Many times I’ve thought about posting it, but thought ”Nah. They don’t want to read about that. They want witty commentary and goofy antics about my life.” But alas, this swirling thought continues, so it must have something to say. This summer, I have been pondering the merits of inner beauty. When someone is truly being themselves, it is a beautiful thing - warts and all.

Earlier this summer, I saw my dear old friend Michael and his husband Roger. I hadn’t seen Michael since about 1992. I was exited to see him, but at the same time, shameful to say, I was hesitant about seeing him. What would he think of me? What will happen when he sees me and sees that I have gained weight? For a few minutes, I actually thought about canceling our visit. I was actually going to let my weight hold me back from seeing an old friend who had such an impact on my life. How silly! So I bucked up, and went to see Michael and meet his lovely husband. I’m so glad that I did! The look on Michael’s face when I walked around the corner and when our eyes meet melted away any fears that I had. I could see nothing but friendship and love in Michael’s eyes and I am pretty certain that he could see it in mine as well. Throughout our visit, we must have given each other a thousand hugs! We laughed about the past and caught up with the present. We were both thrilled so to see each other!

After a while, I confessed to both Michael and Roger that I was worried about seeing them and my battle with my weight. They each assured me that I looked fine and it was my inner beauty that made me who I was, not my outward appearance. All was good from that moment on. It was a beautiful day!

(Michael and I celebrating a beautiful day!)

That day was very freeing for me and I took away a lot from their visit. I have know Michael since 1988, and in that time, Michael has always been himself. I have never known him to be fake or false. I applaud Michael and Roger for both of them being true to themselves.

There is something to be said about the openness of the gay and lesbian community, about the freedom to be themselves. I think being out is more than just saying “I’m gay” but rather it is a statement of “This is me.“

So I have been wondering: can the same thought be put to other ideas?

As long as I can remember, I have weight issues. I have been up and I have been down. I’ve been happy at both weights, and sad at both weights. However, I will say that I was more stressed when I was skinner because I became obsessed with what the scale said, and that made me miserable.

So the question I have been asking myself all summer is I should come out of my own closet? While the everyone around me knows that I’m overweight, sometimes the last person to admit it is the person closest to it. Myself. I think the time is right to step out of my own closet.

So here I am. I am a 36 year-old overweight woman. I struggle with my weight and I will until the day I die. The world might judge me by my outward appearance, but I would hope those who know me would judge that which is on the inside. My physical heart might not be as strong as a tri-athlete, but my true heart is a strong as ever and has many more miles to go.

Have I given up on living a healthy lifestyle? Absolutely not! I come from a long line of people who of died from heart attacks. But I am done with trying to meet a certain weight requirement. Only my body truly knows what is right for me. My life goal is to reach a healthy weight and maintain that for the rest of my life.

But while our culture is obsessed with physical health and appearance, I would like to encourage all of us to work on our inner health. What will it take for all of us to make our inner selves happy, healthy and beautiful? For me, I would like to think acknowledging who I truly am and stepping out of this closet puts me one step closer. This is one small step for me, but could be one giant leap for mankind.

There is no one on the planet to compare with moi.
- Miss Piggy